September 1, 1998

Some simple sign languageis all it tkaes to communicate with other cars

Matt Bielejeski, Staff Writer
 

With all of these orange barrels, hard hat areas, and three-mile traffic jams, I have learned to drive like a stuntman in “Smokey and the Bandit”.  Now that “The Man” has moved Rivers Street 50 feet and given us a happy little park, the intersection of Rivers and Hardin streets has become a wee bit crowded.

We’ve got our own version of Freddy Krueger’s movie: “A Nightmare on Rivers Street.”

Along with all this traffic comes a heaping helping of driving insanity.  More than once, I’ve found myself sitting at a dead stop in the middle of an intersection, because I thought I could make it through the yellow light.  Well, I made it through the yellow light. The problem was there were too many fools ahead of me to pull through the intersection.  Thus, I became a target for some idiot with a monster truck and a thirst for human carnage.  Frightening.

When you’re talking about traffic difficulties, two lanes mysteriously changing into one is a common occurrence.  Somehow I always end up in the lane that pulls a David Copperfield, leaving me to the mercy of the cars in the “correct and only existing” lane.  I’m forced to look at these masters of my fate with pleading, Bambi-like eyes and beg them to let me in.

Eventually (usually three days later), some kind soul finds it in his or her heart to let me merge into the “Cool Lane” (of course, the only reason it’s so cool is because it’s the only lane that exists anymore).  Once I’ve moved my car, I make sure to give “The Wave.”  You know what I’m talking about; the only driving hand signal that people won’t shoot you for giving.

“The Wave” is an essential part of everyday driving, if  you drive in any kind of traffic.  If you’re lucky enough to never drive in traffic, put this paper down right now.

For those of you still with me, welcome back.  Like I was saying, “The Wave” is great.  It lets those kind souls who took time out of their busy lives to help you know that you really, truly appreciate it.  And yes, there are different varieties of “The Wave,” hence, here is Matt’s Handy-Dandy Little Guide To Driving Niceties:

“The Wave” ? the classic gesture, and my personal favorite.  Can be signaled by waving the hand out of the car window (in nice weather), or in the interior of the car.  Always make sure the person sees you.  Sometimes, the nice driver may acknowledge your “Wave” with a “Wave” of his or her own.
The “I’m-Gonna-Kill-You-When-I-Have-The-Chance” Fist Clencher ? a rather complex gesture, and is not recommended for beginners.  Start by pointing at yourself, then clench and shake your fist at them, and end by pointing at the offending driver.  In some cities, this may get you followed, shot at, or even killed.  Mr. Bielejeski assumes no responsibility for the consequences of any of his gestures.

“The Finger” ? a classic.  Everyone knows how, everyone does it.  What more could you ask for?  An all-purpose “I-Hate-You-And-Wish-You-Would-Die” gesture.  This one makes me proud to be an American.

“The Limp Hand”-  useful when you’re pissed at someone who looks like they will kick your ass, but you feel the need to stand up for yourself.

 “The Limp Hand” is applied by extending your arm and making your hand into a semi-flaccid mass of flesh.  Not solid, as in “The Finger” gesture, yet not completely lifeless either; somewhere in the middle.  Give physical inflection similar to that of “The Finger.”

“The Limp Hand” is safer than “The Finger,” because if the offending driver comes next to you seeking personal injury, you can effectively claim you were waving at him because you thought he was someone you knew.  The reason this explanation works is, you guessed it, the limpness of the hand.
When I’m driving and I let someone in, if I don’t get “The Wave,” it makes me a little peeved.  I know that if I get let in, I’m gonna make sure the person knows that they did a truly great thing.

All I expect is the same in return; that whole Golden Rule thing.  The problem is, these days, I’m getting “The Wave” less and less.  Seems like the new, improved version of the Golden Rule is this: “Don’t do a damn things for others unless it helps you in some way, shape, or form.”  Doesn’t exactly sound Biblical, now does it?

Don’t look at me like that.  I’m not saying we should all join hands, sing “Kumbaya,” and pray for world peace.

But when it comes to something that we all have to deal with, it seems that we could be doing a little better job of helping our fellow college students.  I mean, really, is that extra five seconds you gained by not letting someone in the lane really going to make that big of a difference?  I didn’t think so.