At the Movies: 'Are We There Yet?'

by Ryan Finn
Staff Writer

Patience and a good child psychologist are virtues when it comes to a new comedy starring Ice Cube, Nia Long and two monstrously irritating children. "Are We There Yet?" is a painful and unfunny movie right to its core.

The extremely charming Ice Cube plays Nick, a bachelor who is struck by Cupid's arrow one day as he gazes upon divorcee Suzanne (Long). Nick, we learn, hates children with a passion. Suzanne, we also learn, happens to have two of them. Ah, fate.

Despite the tiny obstacles, Nick tries his best to cozy up to Suzanne, helping her with transportation after her car fizzles out one night in the rain. Suzanne's two children, Lindsey (Aleisha Allen) and Kevin (Philip Bolden), see this playboy jerk as a threat to their family, given that their absent father will surely turn up any day now.

When Suzanne's ex breaks a promise to watch the kids while she goes on a business trip, Nick swoops in to offer his assistance. That's an incredibly bad idea for pretty much everyone, including the audience. Suzanne goes and Nick picks up the kids.

Nick, Lindsey and Kevin attempt a ride on a plane and a train before settling on Nick's brand new Lincoln Navigator, which he adores more than anything. The trip is packed with colorful, supposedly hilarious misadventures, but it's really just one cringe-inducing scene after another.

We are supposed to find the two kids annoying for the story to work. However, the movie has the kids act so over-the-top that nothing feels genuine. The Navigator, through the kids' direct or indirect action, is so thoroughly destroyed it becomes laughably unrealistic.

Allen and Bolden provide no assistance whatsoever. This movie might feature more child mugging per square inch than anything I've seen in the last five to 10 years. The children’s antics are never precious or cute. They're just suffocating. We come to empathize completely with the overstressed Nick.

No matter how often the children may be cruel and punishing to Nick or his car, the movie always has time to pause for a trite and unconvincing moral message on materialism, family unity or childhood innocence. The movie even dares to give Kevin an asthmatic condition so something suitably dramatic can happen toward the end.

I laughed maybe three or four times. The humor that actually works comes almost entirely from Ice Cube. Time and time again, the guy has proved to be an affable, likeable actor. He can make almost anything work. I've enjoyed his laid-back, convincing work in several movies.

Even Ice Cube can't save this movie though. I don't think anything could. This movie could have been decent if the filmmakers hadn't stooped to clichéd "catastrophe" humor.

Two things of note: Nick owns a collectible Satchel Paige bobble head that he takes with him everywhere. Through the magic of computer-generated imagery (CGI), the bobble head comes to life and talks to Nick, giving advice and offering commentary. Before you ask, the answer is yes. It is as stupid as it sounds.

Also, Allen previously starred in "The School of Rock" as one of the precocious little girls who could sing well. This leads "Are We There Yet?" to shoehorn an unnecessary karaoke scene into the movie that has nothing to do with anything that comes before or after the scene. Chalk it up as just another annoyance.

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