With the Christmas season upon
us yet again, there will always be those who, among the stress of
finals and the anticipation of vacation, will forever find themselves
searching for a last-minute gift. To make those down-to-the-wire
purchases easier, below is a compiled list of sensible gifts for
every walk of life.
Human Souls
Trying to find the right gift for that cold-hearted
economics teacher? Why not make their heart grow 10 times that day
with their very own soul? For a reasonable price, a human soul can
be purchased online through eBay. Complete with binding contract
drawn up by a professional legal team, your very own healthy, slightly-used
soul can be yours to do with as you wish. Just visit eBay and search
the phrase “human soul.”Just imagine the scene: You’re
cuddled near the fire Christmas morning with your loved one when
the exchanging of gifts begins. As you get ready to surprise your
sweetheart, they gasp in horror as they see your gift: “A puppy!
I hate puppies! I’m sorry; I don’t think this relationship
is going to work.”
Exotic Animals
This holiday season, if you want to surprise
your loved one with a mammal, www.exoticclassified.com
will provide top-of-the-line exotic animals. Currently, the Mayfield
Ranch has a six-month-old zebra stud colt for sale that “must
be moved immediately.” On the bright side, if the recipient
gets sick of the animal, it can always be flushed down the toilet.Admit
it, you hate leaving the house and just about anything else that
would require extensive thought and exertion of energy. On the same
token, you want to be seen as the sensitive, emotional individual
that you are.
Stars
Now, for $49.95 plus shipping and handling, www.namestar.com
will, put simply, name a star after whomever you may choose. Providing
your loved one doesn’t see through your sappy facade and expose
you for the lazy slob you are, this gift will endear you to their
hearts. Something to keep in mind, though, most stars visible to
us in the sky have been dead for thousands of years.
Prison Pen Pals
Having trouble cheering up your lovelorn friend
during the holidays? www.jailbabes.com
has the answer. Their Web site reads: “Do you know that there
are hundreds of beautiful ladies sitting in prison, just waiting
for someone to love and care about them?”
Sadly enough, it’s true. After searching
the site for an ideal convict, you can obtain a list of possible
addresses where they might be located for a reasonable fee. Through
the Web site you will be able to send letters, flowers and an array
of gifts to your jailbird sweetheart.
Remember, true love is only a probation hearing
away.
Fallout shelter plans
What do you get for the conspiracy theorist who
has everything?
Why not save some money and download plans for
their very own fallout shelter? At www.radshelters4u.com,
plans for shelters are available for no cost whatsoever. Simply
give them the plans and watch them go at it. This gift is guaranteed
to keep them out of your hair for at least three months.
If you’re feeling especially generous, why
not throw in some Meal Ready to Eat kits from www.areyouprepared.com?
Delicious, nutritious and able to last for hundreds of years, this
is truly the gift that keeps on giving.
Bodyguards
Even if your life isn’t in any immediate
danger from ninjas or international terrorists, there’s always
a certain sense of security that comes with having a trained professional
ready to spring into action at the slightest hint of danger.
The Web site www.bulletcatchers.com
provides the best in bodyguards for hire. For only $150 an hour,
international bodyguard Dominic Farley will handle any situation
with his extensive knowledge of nuclear, chemical and biological
warfare, as well as his expertise as a chauffer.
When you really think about it, what gift could
be greater than knowing you are protected by an agency whose license
plates read “We Die B4U?"
Private
Islands
Yes, you can buy your own private island on eBay.
With a mere starting bid of $965,000 you will become the proud owner
of Stoddart Island, just a five-minute jaunt by skiff from Shag
Harbor.
No, this isn’t being made up. You can actually
acquire your very own virgin island located off Shag Harbor.
“Whatever your interests, Stoddart has something
to offer. Just imagine your own beaches, your own nature trails,
birding, sailing, hunting, fishing, deer stalking—the possibilities
are endless,” reads the enticing description.
Even if your loved one isn’t a fan of “deer
stalking,” Stoddart Island is sure to be the perfect gift for
any occasion. Just imagine re-enacting your favorite scenes from
“Lord of the Flies” where no one can hear the screams. |
