This summer’s movies have shown us many different things.
They’ve shown us how to live as well as how to love,
and many other things along the way.
Sitting there gouging ourselves with overpriced candy, we’ve
laughed and cried alongside our favorite one-dimensional characters.
Yes, it truly has been another classic summer at the movies,
where I think I can say we’ve all walked away having
learned something.
The most important thing I’ve learned this summer is
just how easy it is to take a beautifully crafted script,
a solid cast of enthusiastic actors and a modest budget and
throw it all out the window in favor of a multi-million dollar
turd.
Seriously, every single “blockbuster” this summer
has been a complete and total waste of time. For every really
cool explosion I think about how much it costs and how many
starving children could be fed.
I don’t know about you dear reader, but I go to the movies
so I don’t have to think about starving children.
So this week I went to see “Pirates of the Caribbean.”
As I sat in the theatre, I really wasn’t sure why I was
there, and then it occurred to me: pirates are awesome.
Pirates are 20 times cooler than ninjas, cowboys, astronauts
and dinosaurs combined.
On the other hand, it was a Disney film. The odds were very
good they could screw this up.
But it’s pirates, for crying out loud.
So not to give away crucial plot details that would ruin your
movie-going experience, I’ll give you the skinny on “Pirates:”
Guy’s girl is kidnapped by zombie pirates. Guy gets help
of pirates that aren’t zombies. Hilarity and adventure
on the high seas ensue.
I’ll give you a minute to digest that ... done?
OK, think about what was just said.
Zombie pirates.
Personally, if I could be anything after I graduate, I’d
want to be a zombie pirate.
As for the hilarity part, that comes courtesy of Johnny Depp,
whose character resembles something along the lines of Keith
Richards and Captain Morgan.
A lot of reviews have been surprised at the amount of crude
humor and violence that has been allowed under the PG-13 rating
for “Pirates.”
Most of those reviewers are politically correct idiots though.
These are the same people who talk about the deep philosophical
thinly masked neo-Christian elements of “The Matrix Reloaded.”
Somehow, they think big words and some philosophy 101 terms
make the movie more worthwhile.
But let me ask you, did “The Matrix” have pirates?
So as for the violence and crass humor, I say good. Keep it
coming.
For all the on-screen death they had, there really wasn’t
much blood, which came as a bit of a disappointment. Then
again, you get to hear witty pirate banter which makes up
for the lack of actual blood.
So is “Pirates” matinee worthy?
Aye, matey. It keeps a great pace, has some wonderful actors,
and doesn’t take itself too seriously.
And best of all, I didn’t think about starving children
once through the whole film.
Just be forewarned, it’s rated “ARRRRR!” |
Special to The Appalachian
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